ndlyons

Mo & Josh

In Uncategorized on August 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Would you rather be able to part waters, a la Moses*, or be able to walk around things 7 times, a la Joshua, and cause their destruction**?

*You can part waters as small as your glass of water (a great party trick!), or as large as 2 miles in circumference. You may not part the Pacific Ocean, as I’m not sure what the ramifications of such an event might be, and this particular blog is not into mass worldwide tsunamis and devastation and whatnot (the blog of mine that is into global calamity can be found elsewhere). You must use a really cool staff for any water you part. You may not change your staff into a serpent.

**If you have a dead tree in your backyard that needs to be removed, march around it 7 times, and it will turn to tree rubble. If you do not support the development of that new McDonald’s in your neighborhood, check to make sure no one is inside (at least, that would be my advice), and then do your thing. Be careful if you’re in the habit of walking around random things 7 times, as this gift does not ask questions. Also, you need not play your trumpet as you march around these objects. If you want to anyway, I support that!

Choose wisely.

Butterback

In Socially Awkward on June 11, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Would you rather legally change your first name to “Buttercup”* or get a neck tattoo that says “Nickelback”**?

*Not only must this change be legal, it must be implemented in your daily life. When people ask your name, you must say “Buttercup.” When friends who have known you for years address you by your old name, you must politely inform them that your name is now Buttercup.

**This tattoo is 6 inches in size. It is on the left side of your neck. You may wear turtle-neck sweaters at the same rate that you have worn them to this point in your life. You may not have said tattoo removed, ever. You may have your neck removed.

Choose wisely.

Your Leg’s Twilight

In Uncategorized on April 10, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Would you rather be required to watch one of the Twilight movies every day for the rest of your life*, or have your left leg amputated**?

*You must watch your choice among these masterpieces with your full attention. You may not multi-task. You may not sleep while the movie is running. If you do not watch the movie on a given day, your best friend loses an eyeball. The next time, your next best friend loses one, ad infinitum. Eventually, random strangers lose eyeballs due to your breaking of the agreed upon rules.

**It is amputated by Chuck Norris with a samurai sword. You may get a peg leg, but not a real prosthesis. You do not get to use any pain killers for the “procedure.”

Choose wisely.