*Whenever you laugh, it must involve at least one loud snort. For every 10 seconds of laughing (or less for the first 10 seconds), there must one snort.

**You must always wear sandals. And thus, you must always wear socks. You may be barefoot in the privacy of your own home. Otherwise, always socks and sandals.

Choose wisely, social outcasts.

*You have to construct all of your clothing from paper or plastic grocery bags. Your shoes may be of a more traditional variety.

Choose wisely.

*For example, mine would be called “Starblazer Dogbiscuit,” and would be classified as “indie disco.”

Choose wisely, rock stars.

*You must shake hands with all the people that you would shake hands with now. Time is briefly paused before these hand shakes, allowing a magical can of tuna to appear, that you are able to vigorously rub between your hands. You then must shake the person’s hand with your disgusting hands. You may offer no explanation for yourself.

**The harvest is plentiful, and the worker is you. You must pick for at least 15 seconds, and then open your mouth wide, and at least make it appear that you are chowing down. You may do this more than twice a day, if you grow fond of the taste.

Choose wisely, social outcasts.

*You snap your fingers, and one of these is taken care of. Eliminating poverty means there is no one who has trouble finding food, clothing, and shelter. Eliminating violence means there are no more wars, homicides, suicides, muggings, etc. Eliminating sadness means that no one feels sorrow or grief, unless it is related to the death of a loved one, and then it is just a healthy grieving process.

Choose wisely, demi-gods.

*You cannot get within 10 miles of the ocean (unless you’re flying over) or within 10 miles of any mountain (unless you are driving through the mountains with someone else, and you have your eyes closed the whole time).

Choose wisely.

*Any time you are leaving your house, are not going to work, and expect to see people you know, you must don your Snuggie. You may not wear anything over your Snuggie. Your Snuggie is pink or yellow.

**Your face must be free of brows. No penciling or in any way masking the fact that you have no eyebrows.

Choose wisely.

*This question may or may not be of a somewhat personal nature. I’m an idiot.

Choose wisely, people who exhibit responsibility.

*These lions are not particularly hungry. There are two males, and one female. You only have a walking stick.

**The Great White is not particularly hungry. The pool is half the size of an Olympic-sized pool, and 12 feet deep all over. You may not get out of the pool.

Choose wisely, bait.

Male question: Would you rather look like you’re always wearing glitter on your eyelids*** or like you have done your nails with that shiny stuff****?

*We’re talking really hairy. Like coming up out of the top of your shirt in the back hairy. And you may not shave. You may wear turtlenecks, however.
**We’re talking fairly hairy. Like if I looked at your closely, I might think, “Dude, that girl has a ‘stache.”
***This glitter is very noticeable, and non-removeable. You may not explain it.
****The nails are also noticeable, non-removeable, and inexplicable.

Choose wisely, gender-divided blog readers.